All articles filed in Awkwardly Social

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t bite my tongue, I just chose to process the moment.

  I saw them, and they saw me. They were at the comedy club, which is essentially my turf. We were surrounded by my friends, none of which knew the situation since everything I was processing was kept internal. I took some boxing lessons at 17 and while I’m not in the best shape I’ve kept up with some strength training. Initially so I wouldn’t be bullied again but now mostly because age and health… stupid aging process. I had every opportunity to use my newly acquired verbal skills (from dealing with hecklers and performing comedy in general) and I said nothing. Well,not nothing. I was feeling great. Like, I had an amazing week of shows, personal life and professional life was in order and I just had myself a nice rum and coke which loosens me up after a set. People were talking about my shows at other venues and how they enjoyed my comedy in front of these former bullies. I was making people laugh in conversation, which isn’t my normal thing. Usually I’m more quiet and let the conversations flow around me. I can honestly say that when I saw the bullies and was in the right place, the right time and the right frame of mind I came to a conclusion that I didn’t even know was capable; I didn’t give two shits about them or what they did.

  I wasn’t angry at them. At most I felt a little MEH about the whole thing, which caught me off guard after all those years of building myself up with knowing what I would say to them. I always thought I needed closure, like a moment where I’m on stage, see them in the audience and yell at them saying “I MADE IT YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SCUMBAG SACK OF SHITS NO FUCKING THANKS TO YOU!!!” or something a little more PG.  Instead I got something better. I had a moment where I was so powerful, so centered and in the middle of getting positive feedback from audience members that I literally felt NOTHING. I guess not needing any closure was the closure itself. An apology from them does nothing for me and me telling them how I am now no thanks to them does nothing for me either. They owe nothing to me now; the me from back then would love to hear the “I’m sorry” speech from them but that’s not who I am. Not anymore. They can take no credit for who I am. I’m not strong because of them. I’m strong in spite of them.

  Life rewarded me with a family that loves and supports me despite my constant jokes. I’m pursuing a path that gives people a night of laughter to wash away most of the crap they deal with while allowing me to let out anything and everything that I feel in the moment. I didn’t have a voice for a long time because of my tormentors and comedy gave me an even stronger voice. I’m happy, even with the depression that I struggle with at times I’m still genuinely happy. I can’t recommend this path for everyone when it comes to confronting your bullies and some people would probably have liked to have faced them with more aggression and say what I would have said had I not been to busy living a great fucking life. It’s my life and I chose to keep living it, despite the opt-out option that I had considered many times over the years. All I can really say is the best way to move on and show your victimizers that they didn’t win is to just be. EXIST, and move forward.  There’s a slight chance that they feel remorse or that they themselves were acting out because they had their own trials. Either way that’s not my concern nor should it be yours. I’m going to end with a roughly paraphrased quote. It’s not that “It Gets Better” but that “You’ll Get Stronger”.

I feel pretty fucking strong right now.